Setting Yourself Free from Expectation

With each new year, we create new goals for ourselves, whether it's as simple as drinking more water throughout the day or as big as saving up for the car of our dreams or move out of state or lose weight.

But with the new year and the new goals we set for ourselves, are we being pressured into feeling like we have to accomplish x, y, and z by society, friends, family, etc.?

When a new year comes around, a new start comes around, and gives us opportunity, but with the added pressure of what we SHOULD be doing and what goals we SHOULD be setting for the new year, our soon to be expectation of how the year should go is the very same reason for failure. Expectation creates pressure. Expectation makes you feel that if you're not doing this, then you're wrong or unsuccessful. Expectation creates anxiety, stress, depression, and a lot of other psychological affects that we are not even aware of half the time.

Learning how to set yourself from these expectations, both from what others expect from you, and vise versa, what you expect from others is not easy. We've basically been brought into a world that tries to create our life path for us. You're born, you go to school, graduate college, find your career, get married, start a family, and work until you die... but if you're not doing that, if you're not following that timeline, you're doing something wrong.

We're expected to follow this linear path without anyone taking into consideration what's happening within our own worlds -- the emotions we feel, the passions we have, the choices we make. All of those are a reflection of who we are, and we should not be expected to live life under someone else's condition. Life is not a "one size fits all" formula. It's an uphill battle that each of us have to climb individually. We have our own lessons, our own thoughts, our own dreams, and our own emotions, and with that being said, on the opposite side of the spectrum, we expect too much from others without considering these things.

We expect others to drop what they're doing and immediately answer a call or text. We assume that because they never responded, they are not interested. We live in a world where social media has led to assume the irrational. "Well, he's online, and hasn't responded to my text... I'm done with him" or "...two can play at the game..."

We read into situations that we know nothing about. We assume the worst in people's interest, perceptions, and affections toward us without considering the fact that they might be busy, they might be at work, their phone might be dead... things happen... on top of that, we also expect others to act, think, and feel exactly that we do.

An example of this is one I'll use from my past. In high school, I always deemed myself as a loyal friend, a caring person, and I loved harder than anyone I knew (and I still do, that's just me). I would strain my boundaries by going above and beyond for people who wouldn't reciprocate or wouldn't do the same for me. Now, don't mistake this as settling for less than you deserve, because you should absolutely not do that. Look at it in the way you express love, it's easier to put into words now with more people becoming aware of the five different love languages (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, and physical touch). You might go above and beyond with someone through acts of service, but they might not reciprocate because that's just not their way of expressing emotion, and that's okay.

It's okay to express our emotions differently, as long as we communicate and consider others in the process. Instead, we expect people to express and communicate emotions in the same way we do while at the same time making assumptions about what is going on within their own universe just because they didn't respond to our text within minutes of us sending it.

Trust me, I know these expectations can lead to a lot of assumptions, a lot of pain, and a lot of fear and anxiety of the future, especially in terms of relationships, platonic or romantic.

So how do we set ourselves free from expecting so much from others? And vise verse, how do we set ourselves free from expectations of others?

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STOP EXPECTING SO MUCH FROM OTHERS

First thing's first:

Distinguish your expectation from dependency.

You might not realize it, but a lot of expectation and its disappointment is fueled by the expectation of someone else to create something within you that you're only responsible for, such as happiness. Your dependency, anxious attachment styles, etc. can lead to an expectation of another, especially in a relationship, and when you expect too much (especially too soon -- let's say in a newer relationship), you are left disappointed because you depended on that person. You basically gave that person your power, saying "I was only going to be happy when...":

- you texted me back

- you made plans with me

- you gave me something

You are completely putting your happiness in that person's hands when you expect them to behave in a certain way, and when they don't, you are left feeling heart broken, sad, lonely, and sometimes even taken advantage of. You are placing the state of your emotions in another person's hands, which is a lot to handle when most can barely focus on their own emotional state, needless to say another person's. Now, there is nothing wrong with communicating your needs or how you feel within your relationships whether someone you're dating, your family, your friends, or even a coworker. Just start releasing the idea that you will not be happy if you don't get that text back right away, don't get to hang out with them all the time, etc.

You are in control of your own emotions. You can choose to feel how you want. Don't give that power to somebody else by creating intense expectations for them to fulfill in order to make YOU happy. Make YOURSELF happy.

Second: Start learning how to accept people for who they are.

Like I said in the beginning, people all communicate and express their emotions differently. Don't put so much pressure on someone else to fulfill your expectations, especially emotional fulfillment when you are fully capable of doing that yourself.

Not everyone will be able to live up to your expectations. Not everyone will reciprocate love in the same way you do. You have to accept the other person in the relationship as they are, instead of trying to make them something their not -- and more than likely, turn them into a different version of yourself. They are not you. You are not them.

Accept them as they are as they accept you as you are.

Third: Stop romanticizing, idealizing, and placing other people on a pedestal.

When entering a new relationship, especially romantic, we can start to idealize them, raise them on a pedestal, and romanticize a future with them. In doing this, we create a perfect version of them in our own reality, which again, fails to accept them as they are, and in doing so, you fail to see certain imperfections, red flags, and other issues that may ferment within the relationship.

In doing this, you are placing this relationship above your individuality and our fueling these expectations that this person is perfect for you, and that's when you start to create a more anxious attachment style to this person as well as accept less than you deserve.

Because of this romanticized version of this person you've created, you've now placed high expectations on the way they should act, feel, respond, and think, and when they don't think in alignment with your version of them, this create disappointment, anxiety, pain, fear of abandonment, etc because you are again continually putting your emotional state within this other person's hands.

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STOP LIVING UNDER OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS

First: You have to accept yourself as you are.

This goes back to codependent, anxious attachment styles. The reason why we feel so much pressure to live up to another's expectations is because we are seeking their validation, and approval. Often times, especially in terms of career, we feel that the additional pressure from others know we are pursuing a certain career path adds to this expectation that we must follow through with it. Meanwhile, we might actually change our minds in the middle. Our soul might be called to pursue something else.

Unfortunately, people don't follow that new calling because they put so much emphasis on how everyone else will feel if they don't complete it -- what will they think of me? will they see me as a failure? how will my parents react?

It doesn't matter WHO they are. And I know that's a hard concept to understand, especially if your parents paid for college or a friend helped you financially pursue something you thought you loved -- you feel this internal pressure because of the dependency you have placed on the other party involved. But at the end of the day, this is your life. You were brought here for a reason. And if you find that reason is different from the one you originally planned, then so be it.

No one gets the choice to decide what you are to do with your life. Everyone was brought here to live a life that makes them feel joy, free of expectations, free from worries, and free from pressure from not doing what is EXPECTED of them.

And so, you must accept yourself as you are. You must learn to only search for your approval and your validation. This is your life, the decision is yours.

Second: Learn to focus on what YOU want.

There is a clear difference between being selfish and cultivating the life that you want to live. It's okay to put your needs before someone else's. If you are not taking care of your own emotional state and learning how to embody the life and vision you want to live, then how are you supposed to help someone else with that?

Learning to focus on your goals, your dreams, and your visions, and constantly developing more and more inspiration toward those things, you are helping yourself go after those with no one standing in your way.

This, again, is your life, your chance, your opportunity. Are you going to make the most of it or let someone else tell you how to make the most of it?

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At the end of the day, expectations can keep us trapped. They keep us trapped in toxic environments and relationships. They trap us in the same boring 9-5 job that makes all joy leave our bodies. They create dependency, anxious attachment, anxiety, fear, and other insecurities that make you feel stuck, and that life will never change.

Life changes as soon as you release those expectations of someone else, whether it's your romantic idea of them or if its someone you have to forgive and release the past version of themselves, the way they acted, and the pain they might have caused. You might convince yourself that because of the past, the same expectation is in place, which is far from the truth.

Expectation closes us off from possibility, and opportunity. When we expect something to happen, we close off the endless possibilities in which it could happen.

Why would you want to shut out the beautiful future that's waiting right there for you, no expectations, no worries, no anxieties, no dependencies? That life is out there, and it's waiting for you to release the expectations and pressures from yourself and others.

You were born to create and live an extraordinary story. Stop giving other people the pen.